Jessica Elizabeth Louise Beard

Baby Jessica Elizabeth Louise Beard born too soon on the 21st April 2009.

My darling princess this is your story.

It was New Years Eve when i found out i was pregnant with you. I had done tests previous to this but didnt fully believe it til i saw those pregnant words flashing before my eyes.

Mummy was so so happy and thought you would be our little miracle after losing 2 precious babies last year.

We first saw you when you was just 6 weeks old a tiny little blob on the screen but your heart was flickering away and it was that moment mummy fall in love with you. I then saw you again at 8 weeks and you was upright looking like you was dancing. You'd grown so much in just 2 weeks and I really believed you were meant to be.

A few weeks later we went for a private scan mummy,daddy and both your big sisters got to see you moving around and waving. we have a dvd of you and i will treasure that with all my heart. Again I felt like you were going to be ok and that I would meet you come sept.

I first felt you move shortly after that scan at 13 weeks and it was the best feeling in the world knowing you were happy in there.mummy even went and bought you a little roo towel.

at 16 weeks you were a little groover and I got my first proper kicks and mummys tummy would move with you. I think that was the last time I felt you move like that. Mummy worried so much as your movements were no longer as strong. Call it mother instinct but I just knew deep down something was wrong. it just wasn't like you.

We went for a gender scan at 17 weeks and found out you was a little girl. Mummy was so happy to know you were a girl and was looking healthy though she did feel a bit sad she wasnt going to get a baby son but she soon got over it and was looking forward to having another little girl to spoil. Feeling sad about you not being a boy is something which mummy deeply regrets now I hope you dont hate me jessica as I loved you so so much, more then you will ever know!

mummy was so happy and looking forward to meeting you and holding you and dressing you in the newborn clothes from your sisters. Your auntie ash bought you a pink blanket and some cute little outfits and I just imagined you in them.

The 18th april is a day I will never forget. Mummy had gone to visit ashley and go to another scan (mummy just loved seeing you so much) it was this day we found out the terrible news that you had left us.

I remember looking at the screen trying to see you and the sonographer saying we had a problem and moments later he told me your heart had stopped beating. That moment my world shattered my heart broke into pieces I didnt want to believe it I just thought it was a terrible nightmare that I would wake up from except it wasnt. He then went on to tell me you was a very poorly little girl which made it all the more hard to bear. My precious princess you had problems with your brain,your spine didnt seem to be complete and you had fluid around your stomach.Oh how i wished it wasnt so.

Walking out of that room i felt like curling up and dying one moment I was excited about seeing you the next I was heartbroken scared of what was to come.

I didnt want to tell your daddy the news but I knew I had to. he was so upset and couldnt talk.

the next day we went to the hospital to confirm that you were gone and then we spoke to a midwife who told us what was to happen. I had to go and be induced and give birth to you my heart couldnt bear it. I was so scared. I didnt want to go through the pain of giving birth knowing I wouldnt hear you cry or hear you breath. I was scared of meeting you knowing you were so tiny.

2 days later we were back in the hospital the day we were going to meet you.

It all started at about 10.00am when the midwife gave mummy some tablets to start labour off. Shortly after I started getting pains and knew this was the begining of the end mummy cried so many tears. It wasnt long before the pains got stronger and mummy was told to push I felt my waters break and I thought you were very close to meeting us but suddenly my contractions slowed down. Mummy tried her hardest to push you out but it wasnt working so we discussed having a drip put up to bring on the contractions. I think you heard us talking as all of a sudden they came back and at 1.34pm you was born. you came feet first and didnt want to come out it took all of mummys might to get you out as her heart was breaking so much and she wasnt ready to meet you.

But finally you let go and out you came. Mummy and daddy held each other and cried while you was quickly taken to another room to be cleaned and wrapped and have your footprints done.I dont think I have cried so many tears when I knew you were no longer in my tummy.

The room was so quiet I willed for you to cry but no noise came out I wish I could of heard your crys its all I have ever wanted.

An hour later we were given photos of you and mummy thought you were beautiful! You had your daddy and big sisters eyes,we could make out your eyebrows so so blonde and you looked just like Charlotte. After we saw you on the photos mummy knew she was ready to meet you.

We could tell you was a very poorly girl as you had so much fluid on your brain and your face was very swollen. Mummy was too scared to hold you at first so just stroked your tiny face and held your tiny hands and looked at your tiny body trying to take in all your beauty.

After half an hour I felt ready to hold you. It brought me to tears as you were as light as a feather and your back fitted into the palm of my hand. mummy is glad she held you and those cuddles will forever be in my heart.

We took some more photos of you mummys favorite is one where mummy has your hand under her finger so so tiny.

we deicded to have you blessed so Reverend Andrew Marsden came and blessed you and did a naming ceremony it was beautiful.

mummy just laid with you never wanting to let you go and wanted to have you next to her through the night. but my princess you were too poorly to keep next to me any longer the fluid in your tiny head was starting to spread to your face and mummy couldnt bear it. she wanted to remember you for what you were when she first set eyes on you and so at about 6pm we said our goodbyes.

We left with you a blanket auntie ash had bought you,a teddy of mummys that both your big sisters have cuddled so it has all our love on it,a photo of me and your daddy so you are never alone,some handprints from your big sisters so they could touch you in spirit and finally a lovely drawing your big sister hollie did of all of us a family of 5.

So that my angel is your story mummy and daddy will be having you cremated and a service in a few weeks when your tiny body is back from the post mortem so i shall add more then.

Mummys and daddys hearts are breaking but we know you left for a reason we knew you was poorly and mummy thanks you for fighting to stay in mummys tummy for so long. Its like you knew mummy wanted you so much and so tried to stay with us but your little body just couldnt fight it anymore.

May you rest in peace my special little baby girl take care of your brother and sister in the sky one day we will meet again but til that day I will look out for you in the night sky and when I find the brightest star I know that will be you looking down on us.

Go play with the angels in the clouds my love for you were to precious for our world.

My baby girl Jessica my everything I love and miss you and dont know how I'm going to get through this. My heart will always have that special place just for you.

Take care our gorgeous angel princess love and kisses mummy,daddy and big sisters hollie and charlotte. x x x

Thursday 7th May.

today was your funeral jessica it was so beautiful and just how i imagined it to be like.

mummy,daddy.gramdma,auntie toni and your big sister came all to say good bye to you. daddy carried you into the chapel while r.e.m's everybody hurts was playing in the background. mummy broke down as soon as she saw your coffin it was so tiny and i couldnt beleive that we were saying goodbye to you.

mummy had picked out 3 poems to read at your service though mummy couldnt read them in the end so the reverand did and he commented on how beautiful they were.it was so peaceful. mummy and daddy were then left alone with you and we had the rasmus still standing playing mummy sobbed so much she didnt want to have to say goodbye she wanted you back in her tummy where you belonged. it was the 2nd hardest day of my life. the 1st being when i had to give birth to you. my precious little princess.

when the service was over we went to auntie vicki's grave to place your flowers as thats where your ashes will be buried my sweetheart once mummy and daddy can get afford to get you a headstone. your big sister hollie let go of 5 balloons into the sky each one representing the amount of months we had with you. the balloons decided they didnt want to go up in the sky and your big sister chased them trying to get them to go up. in the end we let the wind take them away across the grass.

mummy loves you so much sweetheart i'll never forget you x x x